I really shouldn’t be allowed to be in charge of other humans..

..particularly small humans who like, depend on me to be fed and shit. At this point, I feel like the only reason they are still alive is because Diva is fairly sensible and will say things like ‘mami, did you mean to leave the oven on for 6 hours?’ and Satan is always hungry so reminds me it’s 3pm and I’ve not even given them lunch yet, let alone thought about feeding them tea (as an aside, why doesn’t anyone tell you when you have your first baby, that your life for the next 18 years or so will basically be one long round of cooking food, having said food rejected and slung at your head, cleaning up the food, washing dishes and then thinking about what to make for the next meal no bastard eats?? If i’d known that I’d have just opened a fucking cafe, at least i’d get paid for that).

Am I alone in this? I can’t be the only other parent who not only isn’t living up to Mumsnets ridiculously high standards, I’m not even living up to my own very, very low standards, can I?!

Now, admittedly we are on school holidays at the moment, so that makes things Extra. Just extra everything. extra loud, extra meals, extra expensive, extra things to think about, extra annoying….

This is how every school holiday goes in Chez Grem…

last day of school: everyone comes home tired, stroppy and miserable. I say ‘if you have homework, do it now please, I don’t want to be mithering you to do it in 2 weeks and rush it’. They all swear blind they don’t have any because they are lying little fuckers so I get some take away, because, well, its the holidays right?! lets have some treats! It costs £57 and then I realise there will not be many treats because I’ve spent my entire weekly food budget on shitty pizza that I don’t even like. But,Oh well, never mind…they would happily live on chicken nuggets and waffles anyway.

They go to bed late. I think gleefully of the lie ins I’m about to get.

Boychild disappears for 2 weeks, only re-appearing when forced to bathe, eat or socialise with others. If I had 3 of him, I’d be the best fucking mother ever. We could hole up in our respective bedrooms. Never speak to each other and all would be great. However I have the girls, so thats not how it goes…

Satan gets up at 5.53am. I get up at 6.32am. Because I forgot that lie ins in my house only happen if you are able to sleep through a herd of wildebeest stomping about upstairs and the 454534534534 ‘sneaky’ peeps in the door to see if i’m up yet (I don’t know about you, but I can feel someone staring at me without blinking for 10 mins, however asleep I am).

She can’t be fed some nice easy cereal or toast, oh no, she needs porridge. I mean what the actual fuck?! what kind of kid turns down nutella on toast in favour of PORRIDGE?? But ok, I cook porridge. and then tell her to read/draw/play on her phone/pierce her ears/basically anything that doesn’t require my attention for another 2 hours and I go back to bed. And then lie awake because she isn’t capable of doing anyting quietly.

then at 8.30am it starts

S-‘what are we doing today?’

Me-‘ ‘I don’t fucking care know yet’

S- ‘can we go to Oakwood?’

Me-‘Not unless you won the fucking lottery last night no, not today’

S-‘Can I invite 30 friends over and have a picnic?’

Me’ *smashes head against the table repeatedly* no, not today

So, I find something that isn’t going to bankrupt me, and we go out. At this point The older two are still asleep having not gone to bed til 3am because Youtube.

At some point after lunch (which I’ve probably forgotten to feed her) I get a phone call from home ‘Where are you?? I miss you!’ This really means I’ve either forgotten to get electric credit again and so the Wifi has gone off, or Diva needs a lift to see her mates.

So, we go home, I chuck some sandwiches and crisps in their general direction and check the Boy is still alive in his pit. I’m relatively sure he is because I say the word ‘minecraft and there is a noise.

by now I have to start working out what to feed them for tea. It starts with good intentions of something nutritious and healthy and vegetable-y. Then I remember that the Boy doesn’t eat anything, Diva calls peas ‘little round balls of death, Satan eats most things, except carrots (which of course is the only vegetable Diva will eat), none of them like potatoes.
I suggest Spaghetti bolognese. 2 say yes, 1 says no.

Chili? nay x3.

fish and chips? ‘I’m a vegetarian’ says Diva…..

‘Since when??’ I ask

‘today’ she says ‘I was going to be a pescatarian, but I don’t really like fish. I do like bacon though’

‘……….you know bacon is meat, right??’


At this point, I’ve lost the will to live, so i sling some pasta and a tomato sauce in some bowls and go and weep into my healthy recipe books.

Satan falls asleep at about 8 because she’s been awake since the dawn of time. At about 11, I give up saying ‘Go to sleep!’ to the older two and go to bed myself.

This happens for 12 days. Like fucking groundhog day. Then on the night before they go back to school, 30 metric tons of homework and ‘holiday projects’ appear….good job they’re going to be up til 2am anyway because they’ve basically become nocturnal innit??

Actually, reading that back, I’m probably doing ok with the inability to remember anything, considering the fucking nonsense I put up with daily. And I did remember what day and which bags to put out for the recycling this week…so, just call me Supermami!!!




2 thoughts on “I really shouldn’t be allowed to be in charge of other humans..

  1. I’m sending my kids to the mother in law with Ant this weekend. I love them dearly but I cannot wait to see the back of the little buggers. If I have to hear the words ‘I’m hungry’ or ‘what can we do now?’ out of their sweet little gobs one more time, I might go ever so slightly mental.


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