The ‘full-time mom’…

Let me be clear before I say anything else, I couldn’t give less of a fuck how someone else chooses to live their life or parent their child. In my time as a mother I’ve worked full-time, I’ve worked part-time, I’ve not worked at all, I’ve been a student parent, I’ve been in a relationship and I’ve been a single parent. And here’s the thing; whichever way you do it? It’s fucking HARD. It’s exhausting. It’s infuriating. It has the lowest lows and the highest highs, there will be days where you feel like you’re the best mother ever, and there will be days when you seriously consider jacking it all in and running away to join the circus because wrestling tigers feels easier.

Therefore, this is NOT an attack on anyone who is a stay at home parent, that would be pretty fucking stupid on my part, seeing as I am one myself at the moment anyway….but I read an ‘article’ (in the loosest sense of the word) today that made me laugh out loud because of its inanity, stupidity and sheer judgemental bollocks-ness. And it inspired me to respond to it, just for a laugh, like..

Dear Gina Holt,

You wrote an article recently. I tried to respond to it on the blog post, but you deleted my comment for some reason. So, I’ll just have to respond here instead.

your article was called ’13 cherished moments only full-time moms will experience.’

huh. Lets talk about just the title for a minute. ‘full-time mom’. what is a ‘full-time mom’? Do you mean a mother who doesn’t work outside of the home? Because I don’t know about you, but when I went to work or to uni all day, I didn’t suddenly stop being my child’s mom. I didn’t drop them off at nursery or school or whatever and go ‘right, good, not in my immediate vicinity now, these fuckers are nothing to do with me for the next 8 hours!!’ and then go out and start mainlining vodka, or spending £150 on CD’s I fancied like I did before I had kids. I go to work, or uni, because I am their mother, and sadly food and shoes and iPhone contracts cost money.

Now, lets move on to the ‘things’ only the devoted mommies who stay home ever get to experience, shall we? I will list them, as you did in your article and then, I’d like to give you my thoughts, if thats ok?

1.Rocking a sick child all night long without the worry of having to go into the office the next day. You’ll still be exhausted, but you’ll be home to nurse that little boy or girl back to health – it’s such a satisfying feeling

..…….is it? satisfying? being awake all night and knowing tomorrow you have to stay home and keep being awake and keep listening to a wailing, pissed off, miserable child is SATISFYING to you? I would respectfully suggest that if this is what satisfies you, you need to like go have some steak. or some chocolate. or run 10 miles. or sleep for 12 hours solid. or basically do anything else and realise just how UN-satisfying it is being puked on. Perhaps it’s just me….

2.Spending long hours in the library choosing books with your children and reading them all in one sitting when you get home.

I LOVE books, anyone who knows me will tell how many hours of my life I spend with my face buried in a good book. And you know the way to murder the love of reading dead, in one easy step?

Read with children.

Babies don’t care about the story, they just wanna eat the pages, drool snot and germs all over the book and then rub it in your hair and smack you upside the head with ‘Sharing A Shell’ in hard back.Then they get to be toddlers, and they might start to take an interest in the story, except they only want to read the shittest Peppa Pig book in the world. Eleventy million times a day. Every day. For about 2 years.Then, they learn to read a bit themselves when they are 4 or so, and then for the next 6 years you will read Biff and Kipper books that rip your soul to pieces on a nightly basis because they HAVE NO STORY. There are approximately 800 books in the series. And by the end you will know no more about this family (other than the fact that Mum and Dad should not be allowed to name children, and are shit parents) than when you started. And you will learn that your child can read the word Floppy every day for a year and still not know how to read it. By the time they are teens, you will just be glad you don’t have to read with them anymore and the idea of being a stay at home mom who gets to read all afternoon with your kids will make you want to gouge your own eyeballs out with a spoon. Or, get a job.

3.Knowing your home is where your most important work is done and treating it with the respect it deserves.
Fair enough. I’m pretty sure most people who work don’t come home and shit on their own living room floor because they respect their home too, though.

4.Never having to worry about missing the important milestones of your children because you’re always where the action is.

I was a SAHM when Satan was a baby. I missed her first steps and her first use of the potty, because I am a human being who sometimes sleeps, shits and leaves the house without my kid. But I’ve seen her walk like LOADS of times since. And watching a kid shit isn’t that much fun anyway. Really. 

5.Waking up and deciding it’s a good day to take your little ones to the zoo, and then actually going.

Zoo’s let people who work in too. Honestly. And I don’t think any child ever died of waiting a couple of days to go to the zoo. 

6.The .beautiful simplicity of a peanut butter and jam sandwich with a glass of milk for lunch.

……What? Are you implying that you can’t have a gross sandwich for lunch at work? because I’ve worked in offices, people eat all sorts of shit.

7.The sweaty little bodies running in from the summer sandbox, begging you to join them to make mud pies.

Sweat. Sand. Mud. Yeah…..you can keep that one. cheers.

8.Reading your child’s favorite book over and over and over again, because you have the time.

See point 2. Also, see losing your mind. 

9.The freedom of saying ‘no’ to the dishes and ‘yes’ to one more game of Old Maid.

Again, pretty sure working parents can chose to ignore the dishes and play whatever Old Maid is too. But I thought SAHM’s were meant to be ‘respecting their homes’ or something? Which is it, Gina?

10.Being home when the school calls to tell you your child has just thrown up and being the one to rescue her.

I’d say getting out of cleaning puke up off the floor is a fucking MAJOR plus point of going to work myself….

11. Being home whenever your children are, giving them more chances to tell you what’s happening their world.

‘Being home whenever your children are’. think about that a minute and what that really means. It means NEVER getting to not be around kids. Kids who are great, but also want to tell you about Pokemon Go for the 33rd time this week. who use words like ‘bae’ and ‘jk’ and expect you to have the first fucking clue what they are on about. Kids who sing ‘Halo’ by Beyonce for 3 straight hours whilst you debate poking out your own eardrums with a pencil or just removing her vocal cords. and you are with them ‘in their world’. All. The. Time. 

I’m just saying…..

12.The tired heaviness that takes place around your child’s nap time and you realize you can take a nap, too.

Except you can’t. because the cat needs feeding, or next doors dog is barking, or your darling significant other rings needing to discuss next years holiday RIGHT NOW. And when you do drop off you sleep for about 3.5 secs before the little delight wakes and yells at you to feed them. You’re more likely to get a decent nap in your car at lunch time at work. Yes Ex-of-mine, I know thats what you were doing.

13. The sweetness of having a baby fall asleep in your arms and knowing you can choose to just let them be.

Aww. This is lovely. And It’s true, sleeping babies are lovely. Working parents get to see that too, presuming they don’t work in Antarctica for 18 years…..

So, Gina, to sum up. Shut the fuck up, there’s a love.

Love,

Ems, and All the other non-hard of thinking parents out there.

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6 thoughts on “The ‘full-time mom’…

    1. hi Margaret, thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I’m sorry if my use of swearing offends you. I make it very clear in the bio of my blog that I swear though I appreciate you may not have read that before reading the post itself. I feel like swearing is just another use of language, and I don’t apologise using ‘foul’ words. Its part of my personality and something that I do every day, so I feel like NOT swearing in my blog wouldn’t be representative of me. Thanks again for your kind words though!

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  1. Brilliant couldn’t stop laughing I’m a sahm to 3 beautiful little jekyll and Hydes of the female species…. You have responded well x x d

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    1. Thanks Kirsty! I think as women we should be supporting and praising each other for the job we do as mothers, regardless of whether we stay home, or go out to work. Neither path is easy, neither path is without its hardships and this kind of article infuriates me (as you can probably tell!). Hats off to you raising 3 girls too! I have 2, and the boy in the middle stops me becoming a full blown alcoholic most days….

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  2. Well done! Can I add on the library point that I just don’t have the patience to stand there while my children whine and moan over which book they want to choose. I prefer Amazon where they use their own pocket money to buy books at their own leisure away from me!

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    1. ha! absolutely, not like you can just wander off and choose your own books leaving them to it, is it? because when you come back the feral little shitebags have ripped up books or emptied a shelf or something whilst Agnes at the library glares at you….just safer to get stuff sent to the house 😉

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