….the opposite of love’s indifference.” That’s a lyric from Stubborn Love by the Lumineers (and I think taken from a quote by someone else originally, but I don’t know who, and they probably aren’t as pretty as Wesley Schultz, so I don’t care). A song I love. It will become clearer why I’m using it as the starting point for this blog in a bit. Other than the fact he’s clearly better at words than I am, cos its his job and shit.
To get to the point. I’ve had a shit week.
And normally when I’ve had a shit week/month/year/lifetime, I deal with it by….well, not dealing with it. And staggeringly enough, that doesn’t really work. So, to take my own advice from the last blog, I’m gonna try talking about it. The trouble with that is, I’m Monumentally Shit at talking about feelings. Oh, I can dish out advice with the best of them, I can talk about other people’s hard times no worries, but when it comes to sharing my own feelings I’d quite literally rather stick shit-encrusted pins in my eyes. Publishing this might not even happen. and if i do, i might just as quickly pull it down. Which in itself is madness, because what’s so bad about admitting I have feelings about things?? The world’s not going to end. Most people aren’t going to care. but showing my weaknesses is not something I’m good at, because that makes me vulnerable, doesn’t it? And if I write it here, people will read it. And then People Will Know. and thats scary as fuck. They might want to talk to me about it, and then what do I do? I can’t TALK about it. That’s just crazy territory. I can’t even talk to people about what I had for tea last night without a massive anxiety reaction, talking about something that might actually matter would tear a hole in space and time and destroy the world. Or something.
But, lets give it a go..
I mentioned that I was gonna give this whole dating thing a go recently. This is a pretty big thing for me. I’ve been single more or less since I split with the Spawn’s dad in 2013 and for the most part that’s been my choice and I’ve been happy that way. I’m happy in my own company, I’m not the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship at all, and because of my issues (see above catastrophic anxiety shit, plus blog on the whole hysterectomy saga for further explanation of those issues) it’s just been simpler that way. But I met someone. or rather someone asked me out and wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I agreed. And for a few weeks all was well, we had fun (I thought), we got on (I thought) and we were both enjoying things (I thought). but then, suddenly, he wasn’t interested anymore. I don’t have any idea why. So, of course, because I’m Neurotic As Fuck, in my head this means there is something wrong with me. That I did something wrong. I mean, it must be me, right? People don’t just decide one day to walk away unless the other person is in someway awful, right? So I over-analyse and over-think about what I did that made that happen. Its a nice, healthy cycle of thought..really. And not once does it occur to me that perhaps its not me. Perhaps its him. Perhaps he’s a shitty person. Perhaps he has his own issues. Perhaps it just wasn’t right for him.
And in the end, it doesn’t even matter, because, now I’m sad, and feeling lonely and wishing I’d not put myself in this position because really I’m not emotionally stable enough to cope with rejection. I wasn’t sad before, I wasn’t lonely before. I wasn’t crazy excited happy either, but I was even and calm and ok. And now I’m not.
This week it just so happens that I’m physically ill too, I have what the doctors think is a cyst in my pelvis. It hurts like hell. I’m swollen, and I feel sick every time I eat anything. I’m doped up on drugs which i hate, and I generally feel like cack. Normally I can deal with pain, I’m used to it. but this week, I just can’t. Add in a bloody cracked windscreen and a worrying time with The Boy and some health issues with him (more on that another day) and I just want to crawl into my bed and stay there for a month.
Realistically, I know that this isn’t really about him at all. It’s been a few weeks, it’s not like the end of some epic romance, for fucks sake. Get a grip woman, right? except I can’t. and that’s the problem. It’s about me and how I deal with things. How any ‘high’ of emotions always comes with a trade-off that is a crashing low.. And I hate the low. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t function. It’s like a physical strait-jacket where I can’t do anything. And the worst bit is I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I can rationalise in my head and see that my reaction is over the top, but it doesn’t stop the way I feel. It’s the same way I can intellectually know that I’m a decent person, that I’m deserving of good things in my life, but it doesn’t change that I feel like a shitty person a lot of the time. How do you make yourself believe in yourself? How do people do that?
I see people who are confident and secure in who they are, and it’s mind-blowing to me. How do they get that way? Are they just born confident or does everyone know something I’m missing about how to feel that way? These are genuine questions, anyone who has any ideas or answers please let me know, I’d love to hear from you!
I know this feeling will pass. It will. It always does and I will get back to calm and steady and ok again. But every time this happens, it makes me less willing to put myself out there for the good bits, because the following, seemingly inevitable lows are so fucking hard to live through. So, much as I love you Mr Wesley Schultz, I’m not sure I buy that pain is better than nothing. To quote another muscial great (well, Will Young, but you know, he had his moments…..) “I’m a little more careful, perhaps it shows,but if i lose the highs, at least I’m spared the lows”.
Well, this has been depressing. Sorry about that. Just so as not to end this on a totally bum note: Here is a picture of our new turtle. He’s called Aaron Jackson. Because my children are weird.
And my tortoises Yertle-The-Not-Turtle and Hope woke from their hibernation.
Have a good week guys!