…of living the life you want.
This is a habit of mine, that when things get tough, I sort of retreat into myself. I engage with the world only if it’s really necessary. The trouble with that is, when things are hard is exactly the time I SHOULD talk, on here, to my friends, whatever. And they say realising there is a problem is the first step to solving that problem, right?
So, here it is. In the last few months I’ve decided to take the year off from my degree course. I did this for a few reasons, all of which are valid, and I feel I definitely did the right thing, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck fucking arse.
When I did my access course in order to go uni, life was pretty tough then, I had lots of medical issues. I had 2 surgeries in the year I was in college and I also had a tooth removed that went hideously wrong. I was necking industrial strength painkillers by the bucket load as well as raising the hoard, who were very young at the time. And through all that I managed to pass my course with a straight distinction profile and win Student of the Year in my group. I’m secretly very proud of my wanky little trophy they gave me.
What I’m saying in all this ramble is, I WORKED MY ARSE OFF to get into uni, any student parent will tell you that is a constant juggling act of making sure your kids are fed and happy and not smoking marijuana in their bedrooms when you aren’t looking (though as I gave birth to Miss Goody Twoshoes and The Most Antisocial Kid Ever I’m fairly sure i’m safe on that score for a while. At least until Satan reaches puberty..) and also getting assignments in, doing the necessary reading, getting to placements and, y’know, learning shit……Oh and of course there is also the small matter of running a house, paying the bills, mowing the lawn, doing the recycling, occasionally dusting off the hoover and cleaning up the toilet rolls that have been on the bathroom floor for 2 weeks that no fucker else notices.
It’s fucking stressful is the point. And sometimes something has to give. And much as I love my course, and have so much passion and drive to qualify and work as an SLT…I love my children more. When my son is struggling with life to the point where he’s not eating, where he’s carrying a metal bar up his sleeve to go trick or treating because he’s so scared of clowns, when he’s getting up 4 or 5 times a night to check I’m ok then is falling asleep on the school bus because he’s exhausted; then he needs me more than I need to be chasing my dreams.
But it sucks. a lot. And being the slightly mentally unstable person I am, when I have too much time to think, thats when I get into the black hole and it spirals into thoughts that I’m not good enough anyway. That I’m obviously a terrible mother if my child is so anxious and worried about the world and doesn’t have the first idea how to make friends. How did that happen? What did I do wrong to make him feel this way?? And I’m also clearly shit if I can’t handle that and uni, other people manage it, why can’t I? It’s because I’m shit, and not good enough…and round and round this stuff goes in my head.
But, as I always do eventually, I’ve pulled myself out of the hole and I’m focusing on using this time to ensure my son has the help he needs, to refocus myself and sort out niggling health issues in order to get back out there and make my kids proud.
So, that’s where I’ve been, sorry this blog isn’t much fun, but sometimes life isn’t fun.
Though, the boy telling the educational psychologist to ‘please stop asking me questions, it makes me feel like I’m in Guantanamo Bay..and that’s not a nice place’ did amuse me!