“I don’t really like people”
….I say this all the time. and its true, I have a very very low tolerance for bullshit and I don’t feel like I necessarily fit in to ‘society’ or whatever very well.
I get massively irritated by things that even I know don’t really matter, but I can’t help it. I have serious issues with the noises people (and by people, I mostly mean my own children) make. I can’t deal with fidgeting and I’m not a fan of being touched. I don’t like being hugged and kissed by friends. I find the idea weird and I’d just rather people keep their germs and saliva to themselves.
I’m highly mistrustful of people who are too ‘nice’…..“no one can be that happy all the time” says my internal dialogue, “they are probably a serial killer”.
I am also very, very happy in my own company. On weekends when my children are with their dad I can happily not speak to a single soul and it doesn’t bother me in the least bit. Even as a child I always had my head in a book and had very little use for real life people, who needs friends when you’ve got 100’s of book characters to get to know?
So, I would probably describe myself as an introvert, who is a bit antisocial. And sometimes a bit of a judgemental arsehole*. But, then, I think anyone who knew me as a teenager would be really dispute that description.
“But you were always out!” they’d say.
“You are the one who had to be dragged out of pubs kicking and screaming at closing time because you didn’t want to go home!” they’d say.
And that is also true, but back then I thought my anti-socialism/happiness alone/arsehole tendencies were wrong and I was weird, and I just needed to pull myself together and be normal. And obviously I do like to socialise, I love live music gigs, I love drunken get-togethers with mates where we talk until 4am. Because obviously I don’t really hate people (Well, I hate Donald Trump and the cast of TOWIE and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas but thats justified I think). I can make conversation with just about anyone. I can happily sit and chat to a room full of people….but only so long as I know that I can leave when I want.
I love my friends, I’m just kind of selective in who I would call my friend. Once you ARE my friend, I will defend you to the death and come and pick you up from the side of the road at 3am from 200 miles away……..but I might well flake out last minute from an arrangement to spend time with you because that day I just can’t deal with people.
I’m kind to strangers, I’m the first to try and help if someone looks like they are struggling with a bag, or if they are 20p short for their bill in a shop…but when I come home and I’m all socialised out for the day, everyone needs to just fuck off and not talk to me, because the ‘act’ of being a social animal exhausts me.
I think this is part of the reason I embraced social media the way I did when I was first introduced to it, starting with forums, and msn and then facebook and twitter and blogging. Its the perfect format for me to interact with people. I can talk and joke and debate and argue and laugh. And then when I’ve had enough I can turn off the people who live in my computer and be alone again.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this ramble…I guess I’m just wanting to say sorry to all the friends I dont keep in touch with as well as I should, or have cancelled plans with, but I want you to know that I still love you and I’d always have your back same as I ever would. Just dont expect me to fucking hug you when i rescue you at 3am, ok?
*one of my friends just said that I’m not judgemental….and I think i’d agree really, judgemental is the wrong word for what I am, I think it’s just that I don’t play well with ignorant people. It’s not that I judge your opinions and choices, so much as I get frustrated when those opinions and choices have no basis in fact or reality. So, I just thought i’d clear that up….cheers, Betty!