On this day 7 years ago…

We all do it, the Timehop app or the ‘on this day’ thing on Facebook. We look back at what we were doing last year, or the year before, or 5 years ago and realise that actually we were doing and moaning about the same shit we are still doing.

Except on this day in 2009, I’d just got out of major surgery for the second time in 3 weeks, and I was high as the stars on morphine, so that sucked.

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a very long time, but haven’t for fear of offending people which is the last thing i’d want to do, but it’s how I feel, so I’m going for it.

I had a hysterectomy in my 20’s. And its a weird thing.

in 2009 I was diagnosed with early stage cancer for the second time, the first time, was in 2006 and resulted in a oopherectomy  (that means whipping ya ovaries out to the rest of us) and partial hysterectomy. In ’09 they finished the job on the hysterectomy and took my cervix too for good measure. This killed the cancer in its tracks, but unfortunately set off a whole series of complications with my lady bits that I’m not going into great detail about- mostly as I’d like to have sex with a man again one day, and writing about what happened to Frankenfanny™ during this period would send most running away, cradling their cock and whispering ‘it’s ok, I won’t let that happen to you’ desperately- but suffice to say it meant 7 surgeries over the next 3 years, industrial quantities of drugs, and basically was fucking shit.

So, whilst my ‘cancer story’ was over almost before it began, it still has a profound affect on my life, I still have pain related to back and pelvic issues that are a direct result of so much time on bedrest, and I obviously wish it hadn’t happened. but when people start twatting on about how ‘hard i fought’ or ‘how brave’ i was, i feel ridiculous. I didn’t do anything. Nothing. I got my smears done. I then went and got some surgery. That’s it. I didn’t fight. I was fucking asleep for most of the important bits. and twatted on morphine for most of the rest. I didn’t tell many people IRL about the surgery before hand, and even after I only mentioned it if people asked why they hadn’t seen me for a while. I felt like a huge fraud and as a woman (girl, in my head i’m still a girl) of 29, telling your mates who dont even have babies yet that you’ve had a hysterectomy just feels faintly embarrassing.

Like, old ladies have hysterectomies.

I joined an online hysterectomy group and was the youngest member by about 20 years. On the ward after my surgery I was the youngest by 35 years. I’ve had countless conversations with doctor’s even where when I say ‘I dont have periods cos I had a hysterectomy’ and they look surprised and a bit uncomfortable. It’s just not something that women in their 20’s have.  So, I feel like a dick talking about it. So I don’t really. When new friends talk about their period pains or whatever, I just nod along. Because I can’t say at 35, the truth is, I can’t even really remember what a period feels like. I forget its even a thing for other women my age and older as it’s not part of my reality any more.

It also affects dating…oh hell does it. I finished my relationship with my children’s dad 3 years ago, since then I’ve had a brief relationship with an old boyfriend who was aware of my situation, but now I find myself in the position of wondering when the hell you bring THAT up with a new bloke?!

First dates don’t really feel the time for saying ‘by the way, I can’t have any more babies, so if, you know, you want some, probably best we leave this alone’. because that comes across a bit Single White Female. But on the other hand, I don’t have the time or inclination to be wasting my time (and his) if fundamentally, he wants something I can’t give. (and frankly, the idea of more kids at this point makes me want to gouge my own ear drums out anyway). So when?? second date? third? who the fuck knows, I currently get around it by only having relationships with Ragnar Lothbrok and Raylan Givens. And My tortoises. But one day I will need to Tell Someone. urgh.

Perhaps I’ll just give any prospective boyfriend the link to this blog. Hi, future boyfriend. Frankenfanny™ and I really think you’re hot. Wanna go out with me?

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